I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
25 Medical Facts That Need To Be Common Knowledge
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.