I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...