i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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