Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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