420 ftw
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
