If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
