He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
