Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
