Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
