i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
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My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
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You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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