She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
