We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
