Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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