New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
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Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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