I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
