I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
