you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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