I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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