so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
