; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
