I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
