"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
