i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
