I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
