oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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