I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
what is it with giant penises always finding me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
