my phone needs a breathalizer
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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