i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
