I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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