tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
