I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
