I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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