So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
