3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
