i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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