It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
