Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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