why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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