glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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