her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
