she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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