I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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