Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
well you can't waste a boner
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
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I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
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It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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