He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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