I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
