Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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