I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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