fuck your aforementioned shoe
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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