my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
