Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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