Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
