I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
