I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
