i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
