KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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