worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
