thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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