i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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