last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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